Today is the first morning that we are settled and upstairs, my first chance to catch up a little on things that are our right now. Jude is in the swing, with a full belly and tiny pants on. Audrey is pretending while watching a movie and wearing her panties and a jammie top, with an array of accessories.
They are my perfect children. My heart is more full than I could have ever imagined.
The love I have for Jude was instant. That’s the best way I can explain it. Before I even saw him, just hearing his first cry, I felt overwhelmed with it. I didn’t have to make room, or share it, or wait for it to grow, I just had more. So much more. I just loved him. Fiercely loved him. It is one of my favorite parts of becoming a mother of two. I felt worried before he was here. (Maybe you don’t say that before, but I did.) Wondered if I would love him as much as I loved Audrey, if he’d always be second to me. And as much as other moms tell you that you will, I still doubted it. But it was instant and strong. That part of the journey, of nature and birth, floors me. Another ability to change and grow beyond measure. (The belly is kind of symbolic of the heart’s capacity.)
“Hurts like a mother.” -expression I am convinced was first said by a mother, maybe a breast feeding mother
‘Tiny and perfectly formed.’ When we were in Edisto back in May there were shells covering the beach. Underneath the normal shells were thousands of these itty bitty shells. I became sort of consumed with the tiny ones. Collecting them but more than that I got this peace repeating the words ‘tiny and perfectly formed.’ They were somehow a sign for me, to not worry about my pregnancy, about the baby, like I was at the time. I brought baggies of those tiny shells home, filled a jar, and put them in Jude’s room without much extra thought. Then in the hospital, I was reminded of those words, of that promise from God, when Jude arrived. Our tiny and perfectly formed son. God is good. He fulfills His promises.
happy things from the past couple weeks: jude’s hair swirl, sleep smiles, baby hands and wrinkles, nurses that take care of babies, listening to aud tell stories while she draws or paints, jude sleeping on his side, my babies’ ‘eh eh eh’ cries that they both did, newborn diapers, our family of 4-the way it feels so perfect and meant to be, sleeping with jude beside me for our last stretch of sleep before the day starts, how funny 3 year olds are, ‘explode poop’ -aud’s description of newborn poops, dress up clothes and pretending everyday, my mom’s homemade meals for dinner, lemon bars, ice cold water in the night time, the cutest space between jude’s toes, peely skin, breast feeding, watching Aud become the big sister and her new role